what i did

he asked, i gave no answer but i jumped on demand

these weren’t my intentions, this wasnt my plan.

oh, i could recollect it perfectly,

but can i say i feel like a homewrecker?  i didnt do it purposely.

it was all him who started it, so why should i even give a shit

it was all him who started it, so i figured i should probably finish.

so thats what i did.

thoughts

-what happened to strong, reliable men?  trustworthy, loving fathers?  hard working and providing.  selfless and smart.  the definition of father, what is it anyways?  any guy with a dick can create a child.  but it takes a real man to be a father.  ive yet to encounter a real man.  a real father.

-damn was i fooled.  i thought i was the shit because i can dig a knife into my skin and think nobody would find out.  she saw me at my worst, a few months ago, and i didnt even have a fucking clue.  im stupid.  but above all, embarassed.  blood from my hip down to my fucking ankles.  i thought God was the only one who knew…

-when i tell myself not to get my hopes up, i do.  enjoy your new girl.  shes snatching you…you just dont know it.  i dont even know what im saying.  but youre a good kisser.  too bad it wont happen again.  sorry for secretly wishing it was someone else when we were hooking up.  now that i look back, i shouldnt have.  but its okay because now all im focused on is the one that 95% of my writings are on.  but youre special for something–my first ever post is about you.

-i cant believe i just told you everything ive been hiding for years.  i feel a sense of relief but burden.  i actually feel like vommiting.  maybe i will later.  i feel dirty and disgusting, even though none of it was my fault.  i just hope i dont become a product of my environment.  i just hope i can rise above them.  i will.

-i wish you could find God.  He saved my life.  I want Him to save yours, too.

-i wish everyone could find God.  imagine how great the world would be.

-i miss you.  i dont even know if what we have is real.  but ive been holding on since december.  atleast we can be friends.  maybe one day…

-i need to get rid of my hate.  maybe someone can come up with a hate cleanse, kind of like a colon cleanse.  but it cleans all the hate out of you.

-i secretly dream about encountering with my grandmother.  would i do the talking?  or would my fists do the talking?  hopefully both.  whats sicker: beating up an old woman, or ignoring/not believing your daughter when she confides in you that she was raped…THEN letting that same man into your house?  i think my “grandmother” wins when it comes to whats sicker.  i cant wait to give her a piece of my mind and a taste of my knuckles.

-what will my future hold?  hopefully greatness, God help me.  i love you.  you’re the only one i can say “i love you” to and actually mean it with my whole heart, my whole soul.  protect me.

Sounds

a loud bang

what’s that sound that i hear?

my ears listen intently, my eyes bulge out with fear

i’m in pain; as i hear him crash

she claims shes quitting this family but she goes no where fast.

the water is poisoned, and so is this house

dead or alive, i need to get out

God, tell me what’s this sound that i hear, this is my home and its hostile here and I fear, and I shout. ‘Cause I have nothing left other than my voice and my fists and my kicks…I’m done with this.

Lisa screams; she was the quiet one

her wailing is enough for me to pully out my gun and Dad falls; in a drunken trance.  I’m locked in my room but I want to take a quick glance.

Broken Glass, is grazed all on the floor.  I pick up the pieces I can’t do this no more.

But i laugh…my laughter takes me away.  I keep locked in my mind tomorrow’s another day.

God, tell me what’s this sound that i hear, this is my home and its hostile here and I fear, and I shout. ‘Cause I have nothing left other than my voice and my fists and my kicks…I’m done with this.

I gotta stay strong,

I tell myself it won’t be long….until I sing a happier song.

It won’t be long.  It won’t be long.  It won’t be long. I’m so gone.

Pitiful Attempts Part 2

See my city’s pretty,

But the part from where I come is just a little nitty gritty,

Its okay though, im not knockin it, we moved away though

Those streets I once played on seemed to have changed though

Where the kids?  Are they locked up in their homes?  Or are they out hustlin’ tryna make money on the go I just feel cold, I wish I could still be there

But I appreciate the life that was given to me by leavin there

Family, 2 houses on that street and a few on evergreen

Lost in time, lets move back I try and whine

But shes not having it, she just wanted to get away

So we wake up to these manicured houses ever day

I just don’t fit in, with this place I call home

I don’t even remember the old number of my grandparents phone

Atleast my cousins living in one of the houses,

My old house the ladys had a couple of spouses,

I think hes in jail, the house has failed

The curtains from 30 years ago are still hangin like a vail

Stealing condoms and cologne, damn you’re a man that’s grown

And the thing that irritates me is you call that place your home

You ruined it motherfucker, you ruined my pad

Youre in jail and you cant even be a part time dad

And yeah my dad has problems, I admit it he do

But If our mortgage wasn’t so much, we wouldn’t be as screwed

So the lottery he scratches hopin he could keep up

And the money, keeps getting wasted on these tickets and im like what the fuck

I just miss that place so much.

You can take the kid away from the roots

But you can’t take the roots away from the kid

Im cravin mckenzie street man, I wish

We were just ripped away from this beautiful street

It was a battle ive been tryna fight and I keep getting beat

Please, mom can we just move back?

The street has character, I grew up there

Mom that was my childhood this isn’t fair

Now im done acting like a spoiled brat

Just family’s been taken away, I cant deal with that

The house wasn’t that bad mom, we could’ve fixed it up

But youre not tryna hear it, I better shut my  mouth up

I know that neighborhoods for us, it just feels right

Every time we enter, i just hope we might move back

But I know that wont happen, people laughin at me saying “Erika just imagine”

Well ive been imagining since all of us moved away,

I think about that place every single day

Remember the gang house?  We’d climb up that tree

With Derek Jeter soccer balls disturbin the peace

The adventures, I don’t even remember them all

Maybe things woulda been different if grandma didn’t die in the fall.

Pitiful Attempts Part 1

Please break up very soon,

Summers full in bloom

And I still don’t have you

Did our love really die?

Boy I cant even lie

I wish you and her were through

This hurts way too much, I am in love

But you are in love with her

 

These sad songs wont heal,

Your touch I must feel

Will our love rekindle?

Its too much to bear…this isn’t fair

I have a disease and it is you, its you, its you…

Cuz now we’re really through

This lasts for a life, but boy I just might

Find myself soon…without you

i bruise easily

it has come to my attention you are with her again

the girl you need & love,

and the girl who breaks you down piece by piece, inch by inch

devastation enters my sensitive mind

i know what i need to do: to leave you behind

where is the passion that we once had?

do you not feel it at all?

you punctured the wounds, anthony hamilton is helping me feel them, identify them, assess them

you dont mean to cause these gaping holes in my heart, but you do, you did from the start

would i say its unhealthy?  no, i did this to myself

ive been hanging on with all my might, like holding on to the edge of a 100 foot cliff

except now i’m hanging on by one finger

will i choose to let go?  or to torture my heart and hold on?

only time will tell, but i know i fell

fell in love, i hate to admit it, i downplay it, but i did

nobody ive met has landed anywhere near you on the grid

the tears just wont fall, the heart just wont heal

my broken heart is longing to feel

youre always here to help, but never to love

the thought of losing you is a fear i cant comprehend

one thought process says that losing you is the only way i will move on

i love you.  you love her.  she loves destruction.

im afraid she’ll ruin the soul i feel in love with.

is someone crying for me as i move on?

or is someone crying for me as i stay behind?

because the missing pieces hurt way too much for tears

the feeling in my soul, the heart ache

“Like two ships passing in the night
We’re gone
Only the moon and the stars in the sky
Did know to cry for me as I sailed on”

do you know i feel like this?  i guess i have to tell you first.

but i refuse to risk losing what we had.

“I only want your love
You keep giving me your help
Oh please stop playing along
You know you’re wasting your energy
And you’re breaking my heart”

landon pigg has been in my situation before.

how did he get through it?

i refuse to open wounds in my skin,

i hope to be done with that.

because as the blood pours, so does my energy.

and im already running on empty.

i stay up too late and hope the morning never comes,

drowning myself in sleep that never seems to restore my energy

i cant seem to get past the thought of you with her, i want to have the thought of you with me.

what the fuck does it for you with her?  her immense problems?  i cant say that, ive confided with you as well.

is it her sack of bones?  am i just too curvy for you?

is it her braces, her imperfections that draw you near?

my imperfections could never compare, right?

why cant you just come back…we were supposed to grow old.

my soul is dying and nothing is able to bring it back other than you.

God is doing this for me for a reason,

it’ll come out as planned.  i cant help but question his intentions, i cant help but ignore my blessings.

the sappy songs just never get old, the thinking of you is a way to console.

or is it a way of destruction?  not distruction like hers, distructions of the future.

i am being strangled by the nostalgia, debating whether i should gasp for new air, or hold on to the old air; which i know is slowly killing me.

“I will learn to love again” I am clinging on to that quote.

Thank You’s to Landon Pigg, Anthony Hamilton, Justin Nozuka, Death Cab for Cutie, Fantasia Barrino.  And any artist who I may have forgotten.  You know how to console me the best.

distant rhymes

it was vibrant and strong, now its fading away

i wish the feeling could stay

i miss you, do you miss me?

or is this all in my head, like a mind with forgery

that doesnt make sense but we rarely do

i just wish i could be with you.

and i hope one day, you’ll want to be with me, too.

it all happened on a bench…

that reminds me of “it started on a chair” from juno.

im reluctantly writing in fear someone will see this.  but this all was too good so i couldnt resist.

while we’re making connections with movies, i might as well make another one.  in p.s. i love you, hilary swank knew if it was right from the kiss.  that happened with me and a hug.  it wouldnt be a kiss, because i think he still loves her but i can deal with that.  im just happy it happened.

i wasnt nervous and i wasnt excited.  not in a negative way that the statement might have come off.  i wasnt excited because i knew exactly how it would be.  it would be like simply seeing a great friend who ive seen thousands of times before.  but in all reality it was like seeing a great friend who im seeing for the first time.

in actuality, it was natural.  it felt right.  i could just sit back and talk, laugh, reminisce, knowing you’d be right there doing the same thing.  ive gone through so many emotions with you within the past year, and yet i met you not even 4 days ago.  i wonder what the future will hold, but i know it will hold something, because God sent you to me.  You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  How can i say this when i’ve only met you once?  its just one of those things nobody would understand.  but thats okay, because nobody needs to other than us.

we sat there and lost track of time.  what seemed like 10 minutes happened to be almost 50.  i wonder if you know how much you need to me, and i wonder if i mean to you nearly half that amount.  it was reality but it was still seeming as if it was fantasy.  because in a way it was fantasy.

last night reality hit.  and it hit hard.  im afraid to forget and im afraid to move on.  im afraid to come to terms that nothing could ever happen.  well, never say never.  i say that to keep myself up.  because in the perfect world, we could be, well, something…friends.  im afraid that it didnt mean anything to you.  why do i bring myself down?  i know it did.  i just dont find myself worthy enough to admit it.  im afraid to tell you how i really feel.  im afraid to tell myself how i really feel.  it just doesnt seem real.

i have a picture of the bench and i look at it often.  i took it about 3 hours after.  everytime i look at it feelings of happiness, laughter, nostalgia, and sadness come over me.  i hope it can happen again.  if it cant, it will be devastating but at the same time, im amazed it happened.  we pulled it off, boy.  it finally happened.

between you and me, i never wanted to let go.  i never wanted to go inside.  i wanted to stay on that bench the whole night, and i wish i did.  damn, i wish it lasted longer.

atmosphere induced

im so fucking sick,

of the shit you talk

you’re all up on his dick and you cant walk the walk

your emotion, its an unhealthy thing, you expect him to give you the ring

well you know what?  i think youre severely obessed

the phone call yesterday was nearly a reminder

of the drama you bring and the gasoline for my lighter

i love you, i really do but as of late you’re really making me a fighter

you know why?  because you dont give me any credit

its your new people now, it wasnt gonna get to me but i let it

theyre so cool with their drink in their hand blunt in their mouth well thats not what im about.

they really get your feelings, im sure they do

but when they fuck you over its always me you come running to

you told me what you did yesterday and i was mad

but them? you probably told em and was glad

because you make things so much more fucked up than they have to be just let me be

dont accuse me of all this hypocrisy because yeah i know, i did it too but you brushed me off like i was an ugly remind of what your people used to do

well im sorry for ever confiding in you, you treat this shit like youre the only one thats ever been through

you did it once, im sorry you did it twice.  and you figured it was a problem so you came running for advice

well you know what? ive done it countless times, and i am fine, its what i need to get by

so hell no i dont give you pity im sorry but i cant, its something ive been struggling with like my rooms problem with ants

and i like it. yeah i really do. but i cant tell you. why? because well, i dont know.  im just sick of your emo shit it really has to go.

you tell em everything first, so who am i?  that number 1 position whos got it the worst

and i know ima regret everything i just wrote, but i guess you gotta let it out sometime, so for now i will dote.

i hope things get better, really i do, because i cant keep writing like this, even though what im writin is true i just feel like im the worst friend for doing this to you.

A Year Ago

i swore that was yesterday, i swore it was over.  twenty minutes ago i was ready for change, i was ready for new.  now a trigger has me back in the black hole, only making me realize how deeper ive been sucked into the hole.  the pain i feel is a mix of regret and a mix of wishing that this was exactly a year ago.  when we first started blooming and i first started becoming happy again.  but this is 2008 and the pain and joy from 2007 is just a memory.  you changed me for the better but the situation im in now has changed me for the worst.  i guess its better to know love and ache from it than not know it at all and feel empty.  personally, i feel a little bit of both.  empty because you’re gone, aching because i knew the love you once gave me.  my mind is stained with “what if’s” and wishing i took earlier action.  Maybe if I wasn’t so stupid to let you go we’d both be happy now.  I wouldn’t put you through the pain she’s putting you through.  But you’re mistaking that pain for love.  I want the feeling back from a year ago.  I want my life back from a year ago.  I want the old you back from a year ago.