Define Love

I’m not sure where this all comes in,

Or me, for that matter.

I’m just a lost little girl parading on the persuasion that I need lust over love,

But deep inside of me I am longing for love.

But not the love I see, I long for the movie-esque love.

Because the love I see is pain, addiction, loathing, and leaving.

They only hang on to that thin rope called Marriage because it’s what they’ve been told to do their whole lives.

Who are they?  Who is He?  Does “he” even exist?

A few have come and gone, and I am writing this because I’m in the tangible ‘on again off again’ feeling, debating whether I should let him go but only fearing he’ll come back once again.

Why?

God has a plan for me, but I can’t help but ignore his clear message and stick to what I want: him.

But what does he want?  I’ll tell you.  He claims he wants a deep passionate relationship, only going from girl to girl, wasting no time to move on to the next.  He is trying to hide the bruises of a “love” gone wrong.

We are both lost.

For his vision of Love is pain, he feels no other love for any other girl because they are not hurting him like her.  And my vision of love doesn’t even exist.  I’m torn between the two worlds of love and lust, resistance and addiction, to be or not to be.

If I can help him, I don’t know.  He seems helpless, and in my twisted mind I find myself not worthy of him.  But what I am told is the exact opposite.  He is not worthy of me.  For it is him who wants me, not needs me.  Wants me until a few ounces of liquor are in him, and then before I know it he is onto the next.

And me?  I want him, I don’t need anybody…or that is what I tell myself, at least.  Who am I kidding?  I’m dying to be needed, I’m dying to need, and I’m dying for…love.

Neither one of us can make up our minds.  Maybe it is the fact that both of us are bruised and broken.  He because he’s been loved by the one who hurt him; me because I have only been hurt by the ones I’ve loved.