describing me.

[Chorus] (Lil’ Wayne)
I’ve been lonely, I’ve been waiting for you
I’m pretending, and that’s all I can do (that’s all I can do mama)
The love I’m sending ain’t making it through to your heart (I hope you hear me)

[Lil' Wayne]
Pain, since I’ve lost you, I’m lost too
Nigga feelin’ like he at the bottom like a horse shoe
Sorry for the trouble that I put you and your heart through
God knows that I’d do anything for a part two, or to
be prayin’ for the day you come back to me, sayin’ that you forgive me
Give me another chance, I’m needin’ it like a kidney
I don’t wanna advance, give me back her hands
Give me back her touch, I don’t ask for much
but I fucked up, I know I fucked up, I admit I fucked up
but everybody fuck up, now this other nigga lucked up
Tellin’ me and my clique don’t give a fuck
Cause um, we from New Orleans, she was from Georgia
She was my down chick, I was her soldier
I was her gangsta, she was my shoulder
You were the pistol to my holster .. BANG!

[Chorus] (Lil’ Wayne)
You’ve been hiding, never letting it show
Always trying, to keep it under control (I see you hidin’ it mama)
You got it down, and your well on your way to the top (keep doin’ your thing)
but there is something you forgot

[Lil' Wayne]
You forgot about the house, you forgot about the ring
I remember everything, I just wanna hear you sing
I remember the love, right after the fights
You can’t tell me you don’t remember those nights
and if I would cry, then you would cry twice
To me you are the brightest star under sunlight
See take away my title, take away my stripes
You give me back my girl and you give me back my life
Give me back my girl and you give me back my life
See this is just a nightmare, so I blink twice
Open up my eyes hopin’ she’d be in my sight
I remember the time, I wish I could bring it back
What she mean to me, is what I mean to rap (what I mean to rap)

[Chorus] (Lil’ Wayne)
You’ve been hiding, (y’know) never letting it show
Always trying (I see you hidin’ it mama)
to keep it under control (but I know you know)
You got it down (I know you do)
and your well on your way to the top
(but I wish you and yours nothin’ but happiness shawty)

[Verse 3:]
But I hope you haven’t forgot about me up in the livin’ room watchin’ Sports Center
You were cookin’ dinner, I was such a sinner, but the Lord is a forgiver
You know they say if you pray then you can get your blessings ordered and delivered
and your boyfriend is not like me
Ma you even went and got a teardrop like me
I remember we would sit at home all day
You called me “Butta”, I called you “Babe”
My momma asked about you, my partners did too
I know your daughter will be so amazin’ like you
and I know you probably wish you never met me, and I just wish you never forget me
and let me say, please don’t worry ’bout the women I have been with
No engagement can amount to your friendship
and I hope that nigga know he got a queen, and all I can do is dream .. DAMN!

[Chorus]
I’ve been lonely, I’ve been waiting for you
I’m pretending, and that’s all I can do
The love I’m sending ain’t making it through to your heart

hold me down with a broken heart.

anything can trigger my thoughts.

some thoughts stronger than others, some only casual reminders of something so great that i let go.

“how do i break the news to you?”

that was a line i used to describe the lack of interest of our relationship.

now its a line i use to describe the lack of interest of life without you.

i know shes not right for you, but who am i to tell you that?

youre the metaphors i cant create to comprehend this curse that i call love.

how…will i break the news to you?

i see you with her now, and i just crumble, because i know that its you that i need.

God loves playing tricks on me, you just texted me now.

“Well its not like we dont fight and stuff and we get mad at eachother but both of us know that we need eachother”

Damn.  I wish it was me that you needed.

The only thing i regret in life is ever letting you go.  I have to live with that.

I hope this has been the happiest 6 months of your life.

Who am I kidding?  I wish it was miserable.  I wish it was me that completed you.

But its not.  So i’ll try to move on.  Like I’ve been trying to since December 2nd, 2007.

But it all keeps coming back to you.

so much to say but no words to convey, the loneliness building with each passing day, but im getting used to it, you have to get used to it.

Define Love

I’m not sure where this all comes in,

Or me, for that matter.

I’m just a lost little girl parading on the persuasion that I need lust over love,

But deep inside of me I am longing for love.

But not the love I see, I long for the movie-esque love.

Because the love I see is pain, addiction, loathing, and leaving.

They only hang on to that thin rope called Marriage because it’s what they’ve been told to do their whole lives.

Who are they?  Who is He?  Does “he” even exist?

A few have come and gone, and I am writing this because I’m in the tangible ‘on again off again’ feeling, debating whether I should let him go but only fearing he’ll come back once again.

Why?

God has a plan for me, but I can’t help but ignore his clear message and stick to what I want: him.

But what does he want?  I’ll tell you.  He claims he wants a deep passionate relationship, only going from girl to girl, wasting no time to move on to the next.  He is trying to hide the bruises of a “love” gone wrong.

We are both lost.

For his vision of Love is pain, he feels no other love for any other girl because they are not hurting him like her.  And my vision of love doesn’t even exist.  I’m torn between the two worlds of love and lust, resistance and addiction, to be or not to be.

If I can help him, I don’t know.  He seems helpless, and in my twisted mind I find myself not worthy of him.  But what I am told is the exact opposite.  He is not worthy of me.  For it is him who wants me, not needs me.  Wants me until a few ounces of liquor are in him, and then before I know it he is onto the next.

And me?  I want him, I don’t need anybody…or that is what I tell myself, at least.  Who am I kidding?  I’m dying to be needed, I’m dying to need, and I’m dying for…love.

Neither one of us can make up our minds.  Maybe it is the fact that both of us are bruised and broken.  He because he’s been loved by the one who hurt him; me because I have only been hurt by the ones I’ve loved.